When I was growing up, I got very mixed messages about self-love and self-esteem. These messages usually confused self-esteem with selfishness, pride or being “full of yourself” as we say in Ireland. According to that school of thought, if someone had healthy self-esteem it meant they were going around with a big ego, thinking and acting like “I’m Mr or Mrs Wonderful.”
Two Ways of Looking at Self-Esteem
Several years ago I was at a talk which had a profound impact on me. The speaker described two ways of interpreting self-esteem.
1. Self-esteem Based on “self”
The first expression of self-esteem is reminiscent of the messages I had received. It’s where people pride themselves on their wealth, qualifications, external success or appearance. Their sense of worth is gauged by external factors.
An extreme form would be narcissism. You may have heard of Narcissus, the young man who saw his image in a pool and fell in love with it. He eventually fell into the pool. It was not his Self, his true self or inner being that he fell in love with. It was his image or, as Alan Watts described it, his skin-encapsulated ego. Narcissus’s sense of identity was caught up in his image.
2. Self-Esteem based on “Self”
Another approach to self-esteem is redefining it as Self-esteem, esteeming the Essence within us. This Self, this essence, emanates from Source and radiates through us, not from us. Thus it is impersonal, in the sense that every living being emanates from the same Source.
To esteem something is to value it in some way. When we esteem someone, it usually means that we value them, not so much for what they do, as for the qualities they embody. Perhaps it’s because of their integrity, kindness or dedication.
In the context of self-esteem, this would mean valuing or appreciating your true self, your Inner Essence, your Self. It doesn’t mean measuring your value according to an achievement or social status, for example. It is usually the result of a gradual process of learning to trust, value and accept yourself.
How our Level of Self-Esteem Affects Others
Getting back to the talk I heard, what really interested me was what the speaker said next. He described how you would feel if you were in the presence of people with these contrasting expressions of self-esteem.
Imagine spending time with a person whose self-esteem was based solely on externals like wealth or competition. You might feel like they are dishonoring you or putting you down. Such people have a tendency to talk down to people. They’re be so busy blowing their own trumpets that your song doesn’t get heard!
On the other hand, the person with healthy self-esteem would make you feel good about yourself and you would go away feeling uplifted.
And, being honest, this isn’t just about “some people.” I know that when I feel insecure within myself, or lack confidence, I am far more likely to try to impress or be a know-all. I’ll get competitive or try to put people down in some way.
On the other hand, when I’m feeling grounded within my own being, there is space for others to relax a bit more into their own being.
Core Beliefs
In a worksheet I often use with clients, there is a section where people are asked to check the core negative beliefs that they hold about themselves. These include beliefs like “I am always last or left out” or “I am alone.”
However, by far the most common belief which at least 80% of people check is “I will never be enough.” On the surface that often translates into “I’m not good or successful or attractive enough.” Underlying that, however, is a sense that “There is something fundamentally wrong or flawed about me.”
This has been a revelation to me. I’ve also had that belief about myself for most of my life. But it hadn’t dawned on me how pervasive it is. In the coaching setting, even people who are outwardly successful, attractive, loving and kind often admit to this nagging sense of never being enough.
Esteeming our True Self
There is a popular meme that does the rounds of social media: you have to love yourself first before you can love anyone else. On one level that is true. It’s a good place to begin when you feel imprisoned within your skin-encapsulated ego. But at some point that will not be enough.
Love that is limited only to the personal self is a very diluted expression of Love. It’s a start, but it ultimately could never satisfy our longing for Oneness.
A concept of the self is made by you. It bears no likeness to yourself at all. It is an idol, made to take the place of your reality as Son of God. T-31.V.2 (Note: when ACIM uses the expression “Son of God”, you could think of this as “an expression of Source.”)
At some level we know that the personality self we identify with could never be enough. The nature of Love is to expand. If we are on a spiritual journey, we are aspiring to connect with and embody the Love of Source. To esteem our true Self, that love and esteem need to expand outward to include others. Deep within we intuit that we are all One, and ultimately there is no “other.”
The Practice of Self-Esteem
Nathaniel Branden, one of the great pioneers of the self-esteem paradigm, spoke of the Practice of Self-Esteem in terms of what he called Six Pillars.
The pillars he described are:
- The Practice of Living Consciously
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The Practice of Self-Acceptance
- The Practice of Self-Responsibility
- The Practice of Self-Assertiveness
- The Practice of Living Purposefully
- The Practice of Personal Integrity
Self-Esteem is not Set in Stone
Note the emphasis on the word “practice!” We can improve our self-esteem even if it is low. Even if we feel stuck in the way that we feel about ourselves. Low self-esteem does not have to be a life sentence.
Granted, some of us may have had childhoods that encouraged us to develop healthy self-esteem. Others may have had very challenging childhoods that made it much harder to value ourselves.
However, I’m sure you have heard of people who have had incredibly difficult childhoods, yet who have a deep respect and trust for themselves. On the other hand, highly successful or famous people may hide very fragile self-esteem, under a veneer of confidence or even arrogance.
It’s good news for all of us that self-esteem is not something that is set in stone, staying the same way for ever. It is more of a practice than an idea or a done deal. This means that whatever your background or your current level of self-esteem, there is much you can do to improve it. And enrich your life in the process.
It isn’t simply a question of waving a magic wand or smiling at yourself in the mirror and then, “Hey presto, I’ve got healthy self-esteem.” It is more about the choices you make on a day-to-day basis.
Choices that enhance Self-Esteem
Each choice that strengthens any aspect of the Pillars of Self-Esteem automatically ripples out to other areas of your life. This really is good news, because the ball truly is in your court. Taking small, consistent steps will increasingly help you to honour and respect not only your individual self but also your more expanded Self.
Healthy self-esteem may include being proud of your achievements. However, it is based more on valuing the personal qualities and efforts that have allowed those achievements to happen. It’s about gaining increasing trust and respect for yourself. For how you have handled life and its challenges. How you’ve honored your values and lived in as much integrity as you could.
Our healthy self-esteem isn’t just good for us. It’s good for the people around us. It enables us to be a positive force in the world. Also, it doesn’t mean that we think we are perfect. It involves a fine balance between accepting ourselves as we are and at the same time being willing to take action to grow and develop.
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