I Heard it Through the Grapevine
Have you ever played a version of Chinese Whispers, the telephone game? If so, you’ll know how easily a message changes when passed from one person to another. As a game, it can be hilarious. But, in “real” life, it can be misleading. Think of this oft-quoted war situation. A message about sending reinforcements became something entirely different by the time it passed through several messengers. “Send reinforcements, we’re going to advance” became “Send three and fourpence, we’re going to a dance.” That’s what can happen when we hear something through the grapevine.
Rumor Has It
Several years ago I was involved in a large spiritual group where backbiting and name-calling were rampant. I did my best to avoid this though it was hard not to be aware of it. However, through the grapevine I heard that someone called “Peter” (not his real name) was telling people that I had been spreading nasty rumors about him. I was puzzled and angry, because I didn’t even know who he was! Yet I was at the receiving end of all of this gossip.
I didn’t want to escalate the situation by spreading further gossip or by giving out about it to other people in the group. That would just have made even bigger drama out of the situation.
To start with, I did a lot of journaling, just writing and writing and even pounding a pillow or two. I had to be honest with myself about my hurt and anger, and to get clear about it that way. That combination of talking, writing and releasing my anger in a safe way really helped me to come to a place of greater peace. Nevertheless I still wondered how such a rumor even got started. How can you spread nasty rumors about someone you don’t even know by name?
I had made reasonable peace with it but I was still curious.
Clearing the Air
Some time later, Peter and I were both on a group trip to Peru. During that trip, I found out who he was, and realized I had known him by sight for some time. He was a quiet withdrawn kind of person. Significantly, he wore tinted glasses, even indoors. In a funny way, those glasses are part of the story.
When we were in Machu Picchu I saw him sitting on his own on some rocks. I went over to him and introduced myself. I told him that I had heard the rumours through the grapevine. And I expressed how puzzled I was, because at that time I didn’t know who he was. Consequently, I wasn’t in much of a position to be spreading gossip about him! He appreciated my going to talk with him and we had a great chat.
Misinterpretations
It turned out that, a year or so beforehand, we had been at opposite ends of a hotel swimming pool. As always, he was wearing his tinted glasses. In addition, without my contact lenses, I am short-sighted. And, as a natural enough result of the way other people were treating him, he was feeling bad about himself. He told me that he smiled over at me but I did not return his smile. When he described the scene in the pool, I could just about remember it.
However, what I remembered was someone in dark glasses looking over in my direction. I’m sure you’ve experienced how hard it can be to connect with someone wearing dark glasses. It can be disconcerting not to be able to see their eyes. And he wasn’t someone with a broad smile, so at a distance his smile wouldn’t be noticeable.
Since I didn’t smile at him, he interpreted my lack of smiling as my thinking badly of him. It was only a short step then for him to conclude that I was one of the people gossiping about him. And another short step for him to spread that interpretation about through the grapevine.
It was such a healing conversation for us both, and we became good friends. If, instead, I had resisted the nudge to speak with Peter that day, there would still have been that negative charge between us even if we had never spoken.
Gossip Ends at a Wise Person’s Ears
This experience with Peter taught me so much. I learnt about how easy it is to jump to conclusions, the way he jumped to conclusions about me. It would have been so easy for me to create a whole new drama from believing a rumour or a piece of gossip or misinterpreting a communication. Of how important it is, as far as possible, to talk with the person without accusing them first, so that they get a chance to give their side of the story. Without that, there would have been hard feelings on both sides.
It’s so easy it for misunderstandings and misinterpretations to grow wings and take on a life of their own. Gossip and rumor, and the grapevine which spread them, can have a wild and sometimes damaging imagination. The story is usually embellished with each retelling. If not addressed and cleared directly with the person involved, the damage is compounded each time someone else passes on the rumor.
Mindful speech includes being more aware of how we speak about others. We all lapse at times, but catching ourselves when we’re about to spread some juicy gossip is a skill worth developing.
Am I a Gossip-free Zone?
Since that time, Peter has passed on. I’ve often thought of him and how much he taught me. I remind myself of this situation whenever I let my feathers get ruffled by what I hear about anyone through the grapevine. If the rumor is about me, I imagine having a conversation with the person who started it. Sometimes it’s possible to do this “for real”, sometimes it isn’t.
If the gossip is about someone else, do I have any business passing on a rumor that may or may not be true? I still cringe when remembering a time when I did pass on an unkind remark made by someone else about “Joan” (not her real name) to a woman who was friends with her. Naturally enough, this got back to Joan.
Understandably, Joan was deeply upset and rang me to express her anger and hurt. She is also someone who has, since then, passed on, and I still regret my part in upsetting her. From the perspective of my own integrity, it didn’t matter that the unkind remark originated with someone else. That was their responsibility. But it certainly wasn’t my responsibility to pass it on to a third party.
Let the Gossip Stop with Me
Is my presence a safe place for others where they know they will not be criticized or gossiped about? That in itself is a profound level of service.
When my feathers get ruffled about gossip and hearsay, and I’ve calmed down enough to remember that there is always another side to the story, I think of Peter and the gift he gave me.
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Beth
Hi Rose,
A wonderful teaching in your story, thank you.
In high school, the gossip grapevine always bothered me and being who I am, I would test it to prove it to others. I guess I was a naughty girl. Anyhow, I would make up a story about myself and tell it to a friend. When the “gossip” made it through the grapevine and came back to me, the warped distorted version of the story was ever present every time. I thought that living in a small town this was to be expected. However, found out after leaving the small town that this “gossip” grapevine permeates everywhere. As you know, the distortion is rampant and is harmful. Speaking One’s Truth in a kind way is best so my motto has become if you can’t say something to someone’s face, don’t say it all. Needless to say, I am more of an observer than a speaker. God Bless. xo